Sometimes I wonder how I'm a functioning member of society...I have such impaired coping mechanisms. Like I never get over some things. And they hurt just as bad as the day they happened.
Aunt Pat is that way... it's been 13 years. And I know it is too soon, and that it is still fresh, but I have a feeling that Grandpa will be that way too.
I should make it a rule to never stay up past 2am. Josh goes to bed and I end up awake and alone with my thoughts. And once the flood gates open they don't close, which is how 5am and I became friends last night.
It all started a week ago. I was watching Dancing With the Stars and it was patriotic week. Kendra and Louis did a dance to "Yankee Doodle Dandy". Hearing the song flashed me back to Grandpa playing and singing it on the piano. I started bawling hysterically. I instantly started rummaging through Grandpa's old piano music (he had tons even though he played by ear) and found "Yankee Doodle Dandy". I've been working on it everyday.
Well last night I was struck by unbelievable sadness. I still can't believe he is gone. It is the worse feeling ever. My coping last night was to play "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over and over again until I was a tearing, snotty, convulsing mess on the piano bench. The night winded down with watching 1940's musicals on Netflix. The musicals featuring Grandpa's favorite songs. (I was so born in the wrong era. I would much rather watch those musicals than the trash produced today.)
Each passing day doesn't get easier. Instead things keep piling up. Today I found out Duke is stopping all his cancer treatments. It makes these cloudless sunny days so much darker. Now I understand why people get swept up in the royal wedding of William and Kate- any little glimmer of sunshine to help perk up the miseries of the world. Unfortunately the royal wedding doesn't cut it for me. I'm just looking for my little ray of sun. Maybe I'll get some this weekend at the zoo, or working on my project with Grandma. Or maybe I just need to re-focus on my prayers again. That has gotten me through a lot before.
"Sometimes I have to stand on my head to see things as they are, when the world seems so upside-down that this is the only position in which anything makes sense." ~Unknown
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