Day 272

No picture today, but a little update on my domestic-ness!

Woke up early. Went to Jess & Rob's to pick up a CD. Went to Nikki's to drop off the CD. Went to Grandma's to work on a project. Mom shows up. Jess and Cam show up. Mom and I leave and go to Festival Foods. We grab lunch at Fazoli's. Off to JoAnn's. At JoAnn's I bought a cute little 'welcome' statue for in front of the house. Then back to the house where mom helps me haul the birdbath from the backyard to the frontyard. Mom leaves.

Josh and I run to Fleet Farm to buy fencing and bird food. Then back to JoAnn's because Fleet Farm didn't have the shepherd's hook I wanted. Get home. Put in the fencing to control the dogs. Fill the bird feeder. Hang the bird feeder. Now: wait for birds. :)

We have a lot of yard work left to do, but it will have to wait for a different day!

Yay! My house is becoming a home! :)

Day 269-271

Sometimes I wonder how I'm a functioning member of society...

I have such impaired coping mechanisms. Like I never get over some things. And they hurt just as bad as the day they happened.

Aunt Pat is that way... it's been 13 years. And I know it is too soon, and that it is still fresh, but I have a feeling that Grandpa will be that way too.

I should make it a rule to never stay up past 2am. Josh goes to bed and I end up awake and alone with my thoughts. And once the flood gates open they don't close, which is how 5am and I became friends last night.

It all started a week ago. I was watching Dancing With the Stars and it was patriotic week. Kendra and Louis did a dance to "Yankee Doodle Dandy". Hearing the song flashed me back to Grandpa playing and singing it on the piano. I started bawling hysterically. I instantly started rummaging through Grandpa's old piano music (he had tons even though he played by ear) and found "Yankee Doodle Dandy". I've been working on it everyday.

Well last night I was struck by unbelievable sadness. I still can't believe he is gone. It is the worse feeling ever. My coping last night was to play "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over and over again until I was a tearing, snotty, convulsing mess on the piano bench. The night winded down with watching 1940's musicals on Netflix. The musicals featuring Grandpa's favorite songs. (I was so born in the wrong era. I would much rather watch those musicals than the trash produced today.)

Each passing day doesn't get easier. Instead things keep piling up. Today I found out Duke is stopping all his cancer treatments. It makes these cloudless sunny days so much darker. Now I understand why people get swept up in the royal wedding of William and Kate- any little glimmer of sunshine to help perk up the miseries of the world. Unfortunately the royal wedding doesn't cut it for me. I'm just looking for my little ray of sun. Maybe I'll get some this weekend at the zoo, or working on my project with Grandma. Or maybe I just need to re-focus on my prayers again. That has gotten me through a lot before.

‎"Sometimes I have to stand on my head to see things as they are, when the world seems so upside-down that this is the only position in which anything makes sense." ~Unknown

Day 268

Welcome to my flooded backyard....

And it is supposed to rain all week. Oh joy. How am I ever going to patch up my yard and get the grass growing with all of this rain?

I just need to get this off my chest...

I see all of those news stories about kids bullying other kids. Normally I just frown about them and then forget about it. But I didn't expect it to happen within my own family. My little cousin is being bullied by a kid 5 years older than him on the bus. They punch him in the ribs, scream in his face, grab his hair and drag him into the aisle.... and then when he cries they whip out their phone and take pictures. My aunt has been in to speak with the principal and has called the bus company. I hope and pray something changes soon. It absolutely breaks my heart. I wonder what goes through the minds of those kids and how they get to be so mean...

Day 265-267

Today was a productive day off! I went out to lunch with a potential mommy for me to doula! :) It was an hour and a half and we got to do lots of catching up! Then I swung by my mom at the bank and found another potential mommy to doula for. :) I think 2 or 3 this year will be a good start!

Then I went to Keri's to give Kiersten her b-day presents. She loved the notebook and pens and started writing a bunch of cute little poems. She also read the book I gave her. I snagged the perfect book. The reading level is just a tad higher than she currently reads at so it will be a good book for her to learn from.

Then was stitch and bitch. We had a decent turnout tonight. There was definitely more bitching than stitching, which is good from time to time. I currently don't have a lot to bitch about, but I learn a lot from listen to what the older generations have to say. I kept joking around with Grandma about getting a three generation tattoo so we can take a pic and send it in to the paper. Bahaha, she is adamantly opposed! Here is our S&B mascot, Miss Teaka:

Now back to work for the rest of the week..... bah. The four day stretches really drain me.

Day 264

Well today was a very productive day off! I woke up, got to visit with the in-laws, and then it was off to lunch with my madre. Afterwards, I swung by Melissa's house and we researched for ever trying to find out what kind of bug was in my house. Then it was back home for a quick shower before heading out shopping. I managed to get Kiersten's birthday presents and a new book for me! :) Next I swung by to get kisses from my favorite little baby, Cameron!

After a crazy day of chasing, it was time for the Gambler game. Adam has been running around calling us all heathens for not going to church on Good Friday... my response: I would rather be at the Gambler game and be a heathen - than be at church and miss the playoffs! Jesus will forgive my sins!

I work this weekend, so it will be a less than awesome Easter. (The year there was no Easter.) *fingers crossed that census drops and I get called off!*

PS- Gamblers won game 2 vs the Ice. Score: 3-1

Day 262 and 263

So I did not take this picture but it sums up what is going on....

This is my little cousin Gunner and his snow bunny..... What the heck WI? Snow for Easter?

Today is 4 of 4 at work and I hit my peak yesterday and now I'm just feeling burned out. I enjoy having my days off.... and it is coming... just not until May. Just one more week to burn through!

Lately my life has been feeling scattered and dragging. So many bad things keep piling up on top of each other. After going to the doula training I have a new focus. I constantly need something to work on. It gives me ground. So far I have made my business cards, my brochure, my eval form, and I'm currently working on my contract and my binders. Things are all coming together and it gives me so much confidence! I needed this!

Days 260 & 261

I got it!

This is the picture I wanted so much. It was hanging at my grandparents' house in their living room. It was one of my grandpa's favorite paintings, and I also was reading the book about the painting to my grandma before she passed. It holds a lot of sentimental value to me. And I'm so glad my parents were able to get this for me yesterday.

I also made a checklist of the things I need to organize/get done to become a practicing doula:

• business cards (have a draft done)
• brochure
• contract
• interview packet
• prenatal packet(s)
• doula bag and supplies
• read over and choose the best articles
• evaluation form
• birth binder

Now to start checking things off the list! I only work a half shift tonight and will have time when I get home to get started on some of the more pressing things on the list! Super pumped!

Less pumped about the 6-10" of snow we are supposed to be getting. It is almost May, what gives Mr. Weather Man!?

Day 257-259:: Doula Days

Where do I even begin? This weekend was such an amazing and empowering experience. I could go into every minute detail, but I will save that for those who really want to know. Instead I will touch on the highlights that made my doula training so great!

Thursday: We headed out of town around 3:30pm. We hit Milwaukee (more importantly, Kurt and Ashley's house) around 6pm. We got the grand tour of their new house. The layout is really different and unique. They have a lot of great space to fill and I couldn't help but to pick out paint and landscaping and furniture in my mind. Then we all went out to dinner, and of course, we can never have "normal" conversations at dinner. We talked about babies (of course), colostomies, catheters, hermaphrodites, etc. Then it was off to Chicago! We pulled into our hotel about 11pm. Thank goodness for the valet parking! Chicago is so packed and busy and it was nice not having to worry about our car.

Friday: We slept in until lunch time. We decided to explore what foods were nearby. Low and behold a Potbelly's was only a block away. Yum! Then it was off to doula training day #1. We were a group of 17 (give or take some add-ins). And we came from all walks of life: a couple nurses, nursing students, lactation consultants, post-partum doulas, doulas re-certifying, nannies, social workers, massage therapists, or those with no experience. The training took place at a studio where prenatal yoga and classes are taught. We did the typical introductions. We watched a birthing video, which is how we started most days. Next we went over the scope of practice of what doulas do or don't do, and how they go about doing it. Then we had a dinner break where we broke into groups and walked to the restaurant of our choice. My group basically took over this little corner-shop gyro restaurant. After dinner we talked about the gate control theory of pain management. It was such an amazing technique, yet it should be a no-brainer all at the same time. Friday's training was 12:45pm-9:30pm. When I got home I was tired!

Saturday: We started the day off with a few videos of different births and had discussions critiquing them. Next came what I thought was the most informative portion of the training: Tubes 'R' Us, where we learned about all of the different interventions that occur in the hospital and the pros and cons. We learned about when they are medically necessary and how to avoid them when they aren't. After lunch, the pregnant ladies came in! We learned how to palpate to find the position of the baby and then listened to fetal heart tones. The MOST amazing/empowering/rewarding part of the training was when I found the baby's heart beat, and then was able to let the mother listen using the fetoscope. She said it was the first time she has ever heard the heart beat using a fetoscope and she was so happy. :) Made my day! Then we moved onto talking about waterbirths. Afterwards we worked on breathing techniques, birthing positions, and relaxation techniques. It was nice to be able to move into all of the positions to see how they felt and how they might be effective. Saturday's workshop lasted from 9am-7pm.

Sunday: Again we started with a movie and discussion. Today's topic was VBACs. The video was absolutely amazing, not only because it was a VBAC, but also because it was a breech birth. You don't get to see breech births nowadays because usually they go straight to c-section. Then we learned about anatomy and exams and how to tell the progress of a labor... so many women just think it is about dilation... they are so wrong! After lunch we finished discussing Tubes 'R' Us interventions. One nice thing was the instructor had a lot of the intervention items with her so we could see them and hold them. Then we talked about ethics. After that we talked about certification and how to get started in our business. This part was super helpful and very empowering. I like that they don't just teach you and say you are on your own, they guide you how to get started and a model of how to provide the best possible doula care. And then we did a group picture and that was it. It was another 9am-7pm day and we packed in a lot!

It was also so great having two babies and one pregnant mom in the class. It really re-affirmed why we do what we do and why we are so passionate about it.

The further I drove away from Chicago, the more the training settled in, and the more pumped up and excited I got to begin my doula work. I can't wait to read all the articles provided to us and to start educating women around me! So by all means, if you are reading this and have ANY questions at all don't hesitate to ask! I love spreading the knowledge on a topic I'm so passionate about.

Day 256

I miss the Union. :(

Well we made it to Chicago!

Today was a busy day, lots of cleaning and packing. We left mid-afternoon and headed to Milwaukee. We got to see Kurt and Ashley's new house! It is a crazy different layout, but nice and big. And they have a decent sized yard too. We all went out to eat at Chili's. Then it was off to Chicago! Only two tolls on the way here. Our hotel is on the north side of downtown. Best part of it all.... There is a Jamba Juice below our hotel!!!! I haven't had Jamba in so long! And just down the road... Potbelly's. And it's across the street from Urban Outfitters. I'm in heaven. :)

We get to sleep in a bit tomorrow and then it is off to doula class. Tomorrow's class is from 12-9:30pm. It is going to be a long day but I'm going to learn a lot!

Time for bed! 'Night Chicago and blogland!

Skipping ahead to Day 255

So I was sick Thurs-Mon, so hence no posts. Also no work, no eating, no breathing, no sleeping. Not cool.

But I'm alive and kicking now! I work today and then off to Chicago tomorrow! When I get back from Chicago I'm sure I will have lots of fun pictures (not the tourist-y type, but some good ones I'm sure!)

This is little Maki, Robbie's new puppy! She is a mini-wiener and super cute.

Hope everyone has a happy hump day!

Chicago here I come!

Day 244-247

Does it count that last night I had a dream that a herd of sheep were grazing in a field across from my house and I was trying to sneak through the brush to get a neat picture of them????

I honestly have no motivation to go out and take a picture. I want to, but I don't. So instead I will babble about what has been going on in life.

This weekend was a pretty lazy weekend. Saw Nikki a few times, slept in both days, rode the bike a bit, went to Oconto. On Saturday night we listened to the tape my Grandpa made about his experiences in WWII. I cried at first, but it is so good to hear his voice. The one thing I miss most about people when they are gone is the sound of their voice. And in my head I think I can remember it, but most likely time has distorted it. With my grandpa's tape I can always hear him whenever I want, not to mention that it is him telling a great story about his time in the war. I miss him so so so much.

Angie's grandpa passed away this weekend. It is just a rough time for all of us. We really need the happy to start out-weighing the sad soon. Along with that sad line of thought, my dad is doing pretty bad lately. He has a doctor appointment today and may go on disability soon. Not cool.

I wish I had something exciting or up-lifting that I could share, but today just isn't the day for that. If you are still reading my blog despite my days of no posts and no pictures, you are a very loyal reader and I promise I will have more pictures up soon. I just need to get out of this rut.

And if you read this you should leave a comment about something happy going on in the world or your life. We need more rays of sunshine!

Day 240-243

Life is a beautiful thing.

It is so amazing how much has changed in a year. And also what hasn't changed.

A year ago today I was in worst-case-scenario mode. I was probably up all night trying to google what I was afraid the doctors would tell me. April 2nd of last year was the day of my first MRI. The MRI that found unusual spots on my spine, which was diagnosed at syringomyelia. The word that halted life as I knew it.

For those who didn't follow my old blog you can find it here: http://lifewithsyringomyelia.blogspot.com/ or if you don't feel like reading it I can tell you that syringomyelia is a crippling spinal cord disease in which pockets of fluid in your spine expand and destroy your spinal cord.

For months I researched. I found support groups. I painted. I lived in fear. I was paralyzed by the fear of everything: lifting, running, bending, biking, massages, sneezing, the realization of never being able to be a nurse, the prospect of never having a family, a wheelchair-bound future.

Oh how much a year has made a difference. I'm so, so, so grateful that I'm not an idle patient. My neurologist didn't recommend seeing a neurosurgeon until I wanted to have kids. Thank God I didn't listen. Instead I found the best damn neurosurgeon for syringomyelia in the country. And by some miraculous feat he had an opening in July, instead of my initial October scheduling. Finding him prevented me from years of worry. Instead I was prisoner to the diagnosis for only 3 months.... thank goodness I'm free now. Dr. Iskandar saved my life and my future.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My symptoms are still there. Just tonight both my arms went numb and tingly for an hour and a half. But at least now I know what it is. And more importantly I know that I can just go on living my life. And for the last nine months I have done just that: got married, got a job, enjoying life.

I'm not a fan of the saying "everything happens for a reason", but I am a fan using experiences to make you a better person. And I try to do that everyday.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius