Day 235-239

So I've been on hiatus a bit. Last week was rough. I wasn't really sleeping the first half of the week, so Friday and Saturday I pretty much hibernated. I managed to survive going back to work, and it has actually been helpful to relate to some of my coworkers.

I also have started focusing on my doula readings. I figure the faster I get through the books the faster I get certified! :) Not to mention that everyone is getting pregnant lately so I will have plenty of babies to practice on for my certification!

(This is a picture of one of the flowers from the arrangement we had at Grandpa's funeral.)

Angie and I joined heads today to commit to losing a few pounds before Easter. I did a good job buying healthful foods today when we went grocery shopping. I am also kicking my butt today working out. I biked a bit already and lifted weights. I also found my latest addiction: the punching bag. It started off awkward and not sure what I'm doing. And before you know it, I'm wailing on it and kicking it. Feels pretty good and works up a sweat fast. It is good to punch out my frustrations about things going on in life. And in a bit I'll be jumping on the bike again.

Today has been a massively successful day of self-improvement. Lots of working out. Lots of cleaning. Lots of attitude shifting. Lots of books purchased on Amazon that will make life better!

I can only hope tomorrow will be just as good.

Peace out.

Day 234

So technically it is 3/23, but I don't know how to change the time on my post so it will still seem like 3/22.... but whatev.

Confessions (because Maggie says it's good to vent):

1) I hit my lowest of lows when Taps played at the funeral. I've never felt more helpless and heartbroken in my entire life. I felt like collapsing to the ground and crying till I passed out. Somehow between watching the flag get folded and Josh holding me up, I stayed standing. I don't know how long this low will last, it feels like eternity.

2) I can't sleep. I lay in my bed, sometimes in silence, sometimes with the sound machine, and I don't sleep. When I can't sleep I lay on the couch from Grandpa's den and fall asleep. And when I really can't sleep I put on his sweatshirt and lay on the couch, and that usually does the trick.

3) I look for little signs all the time. And a lot of the time I get them.

Day 230-233

I don't even know where to start. Where can you start when there is no good place?

On Tuesday, March 15th, I went to visit my Grandpa at the nursing home. They had just made the decision to put him on hospice care. I knew he wasn't really eating or drinking so it wouldn't be long. I stayed with him for 3.5 hours. He was miserable. He tried sleeping but every few minutes he would holler out. He was having nightmares about being in WWII. He was shouting about being shot at and trying to get help after he was shot. War is a horrible, horrible thing for someone to go through. And to have to keep reliving it... I can't even imagine. While I was there I did have the chance to tell him something I've never told him before: He is my hero. He is the greatest man I ever knew. In all the years I've wanted to tell him that I never did. I'm glad I was able to tell him now before it was too late.

I worked Wednesday and Thursday, but knew I needed to spend more time with him. I asked everyone at work if they could pick up hours for me on Friday, but no one could. I remember at nursing graduation, Dean May told us we need to take care of our "big stones" in life, so I called in sick on Friday.

Friday morning, March 18th, when I woke up I found out that Andrew had been in a car accident, so I instantly called him to see if he was okay. He told me that I better go see Grandpa today. He didn't need to say anything else. I was planning on taking my time during the day, but instead jumped in the shower and went to the nursing home. Every morning I have a battle with finding socks since I don't dare match them before I put them away. And this morning the easiest pair to find were Grandma's socks, that I had taken from her drawer when I was helping to take care of her back in June.

I got there at 1100. Grandpa was resting much more comfortably. We pulled in chairs from the dining room to accommodate everyone. The priest was coming in at noon to read Grandpa his last rites, we were just hoping he held on that long. Throughout the morning his breathing was constantly changing. Sometimes labored, other times shallow and rapid. Noon came and went and the priest was running late. Everyone was waiting for him: me, Jim, Dan, Duke, Mimi. My dad was working in Door County and was going to be coming by later.

Finally at 1220 the priest arrived. We gathered around while Grandpa received his last rites. The priest left about 1240, which is when my dad showed up. Grandpa had his kids all there, and just 15 minutes later, he passed.

I was going to meet my mom for lunch and break the news to her. I went to pick up drive-thru and the girl in the window told me to "Have a nice day." I wanted to snap at her and tell her that my grandpa just died and it was anything but a 'nice day'. That is when I realized that even though my world was crumbing, the rest of the world was still moving on.

When I got home that night I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Back in April I was visit my Grandma and Grandpa and I loved looking at Grandma's African violets. One of them stood out among the rest. It's blossoms weren't the typical bright purple, but rather purple and white. I knew Grandma was getting sick and I wanted this violet to remember her by, so she gave it to me. After I brought it home, my lack of a green thumb killed all the blossoms. For 11 months I stared at nothing but leaves in dirt. Grandma died in June and I just wish I could ask her how she kept her violets blossoming year round. I had to be doing something wrong.... In the week before Grandpa died, I noticed some buds popping up on my plant. And then on March 18th one bloomed into the most gorgeous flower. If that wasn't Grandma's way of showing how happy she was to have Grandpa back with her, then I don't know what else it could've been short of a miracle. For months I have researched and questioned how to make my flowers bloom, and all they needed was Grandma's happiness. And today, March 22nd, we laid Grandpa to rest besides Grandma, while the heaviest most gorgeous snow falls, and a second blossom is opening.

The last time I woke up I had two grandpas.

I don't want to go to sleep because I will have to wake up in a world with one less grandpa.

:(

Day 227-229

~*Losing them wouldn't be so hard to take, if Heaven wasn't so far away.*~

Day 226

I hate where quality nursing care doesn't exist. hate. hate. hate.

I'm so pissed right now, I'm not sure what to do except to watch mindless TV shows to distract myself.

hate.

grr.

Day 224 and 225

My brown eyed girl....

Love this puppy.

Love her eyes.

While Friday was awesome, this weekend pretty much sucked.

Tonight was an impromptu date night and we went to see "The Adjustment Bureau". It was a good movie, but I like movies that have more resolution.... It had resolution, but I wanted to know what happens next.

I also biked 27.5 miles tonight. It was good to work off some frustrations.

Tomorrow is my spirituality retreat to the nunnery. Should be an interesting use of an entire day, but at least I get paid to go. Normally I wouldn't mind such an excursion, but given recent events I have a feeling it will just piss me off going there tomorrow when I could be doing more important things instead.

So even though it is only 10:45, I should probably go to bed so I can get up early. Lord knows how difficult it will be for me to fall asleep.

Day 223

Happy 10th Birthday Penelope!

That's about the only good thing I have to say about today...

Day 221 and 222

Today was the BEST. DAY. EVER.

Allow me to explain why:

- Woke up and it was 3/11/11, aka our anniversary of being married for 3 months.

- The first thing I found out when I woke up was that my cousin Lexi is safe. She is in Japan on a military base.... and after the horrific earthquake and tsunami, I'm soooo glad she is okay. Thank God.

- It was an absolutely gorgeous day out today. I got to drive around with the windows rolled down and no coat on.

- I got to babysit the world's cutest baby today. For two hours Cameron and I got to hang out, read books, and get excited over poopy diapers.

- After babysitting, I went to see my mom at work. She had all the goodies I ordered from Pampered Chef! They came in so quickly!

- Next I went to donate clothes. Yay for a feel good moment.

- Then it was lunch time. I ended up going to Fazoli's. The gentlemen in the window decided that I needed 6 breadsticks, instead of the normal 2. JACKPOT and oh so filling!

- As I pull in the driveway, I notice a very happy Amazon order sitting on my porch! Some of Josh's tea was delivered, along with 2 of my doula books!

- My mom called me after work and we went to JoAnn's and also to IHOP. Again another yummy meal! (I got the low cal meal knowing that I would have to bike it off later!)

- And biking! I biked 25.1 miles today! This brings my yearly total to over 600 miles! :) I can't wait to put on more miles tomorrow.

The only thing that could make my day better would be if I could spend it with my husby. We will see what tomorrow's day off brings. In the meantime, I'm going to spend this wonderful evening with my puppies and one of my new books! :)

Goodnight blogland!

Day 220 - Ash Wednesday

Happy Ash Wednesday everyone!

So this being a photo blog, why not explain my Lent goals through photos? Duh!

This year I'm giving up 2 things but also doing 2 things for the betterment of me. And conveniently they can spell "LENT". (I was so proud of myself when I thought this one up!)

#1 Gain:

L is for Limiting my caloric intake. I'm on a fitness website and everyday you are either under the calorie goal or you are not. Well I've been far too lax with this, so for Lent I will be under or at my calorie goal every day!

#1 Give:

E is for Eliminating ETOH (aka alcohol). This is my last glass of wine that I had last night. And the sad part was when midnight hit and I had to hand over the rest of the glass to Josh. Not that I'm an alcoholic by any means, but I sure love my wine. And this will also help me meet my "L" goal!

#2 Give:

N is for Not Nagging Josh to do things that in all honesty, I could just as easily do. This is last night's example.... the dogs' water needed to be refilled. (Cassi drags the empty dish too you.... ) Normally I would just ask Josh to do it because I'm lazy but not so this time, I got my ass off the couch and did it myself! This will also go for taking out the garbage, hanging me things, getting me things, etc.

#2 Gain:

T is for Taking a Daily Vitamin. My genetics make me rather Vitamin D deficient.... even with all my summer sun bathing. (My dad takes prescription Vitamin D with an insanely high dosage!) So I will take a daily multivitamin instead of my current regiment of take it when I feel like it. Vitamins tend to be expensive, which is lame, since I will definitely run out and need to by more before Lent is over.

Well folks, that is that. What are you giving up this year?

Day 218 and 219

Lemon Juice..... really?

So this is kinda a lame picture, but it the closest thing I could find to represent size.

So the NICU temporarily moved to our floor while they get remodeled. :) Yesterday we had some medications come up for them. So we all fought over who gets to bring the meds to the NICU. I won.

The nurses there were so nice. They told me to walk around and meet the babies. One of the nurses called me over. She wanted to show me something that you don't get to see every day.

A tiny baby girl who was born yesterday at only 24 weeks. She was 1 pound 1 ounce and maybe as long as this lemon juice bottle.... maybe. Looking at the picture she may have even been a bit smaller. She was so precious.

I love the NICU. They even had a little girl there similar to Conner (who has been home now for five days after spending 229 days in the NICU! yay!), who has just a nasty hodge podge of digestive issues and surgeries.

My heart and prayers go out to all of the babies in the NICU and their families. They are all such little miracles.

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone. I wish I was in high school French class so I could be stuffing my face on all sorts of yummy treats. But instead I'm stuck at home with a lunch I'm so not looking forward to. Stay tuned for tomorrow's reveal of my goals for Lent! :)

Day 217

Black and white is my new favorite. I love playing with it!

Today was a day of relaxation. Josh and I watched a few documentaries this morning. We also spent a bit of time watching the CP telethon. We made our donation!

Then it was onto the bike. My team is in third place... aka last place. But today I put on 31.2 miles which put us in second place by 5 miles! So exciting. While biking I watched Julie & Julia. It was a good movie, and I had been meaning to watch it for some time now. Mission accomplished!

After today it is back to work. Work work work. The story of my life. Hopefully these next few days fly by and will all be good days at work. I like when things are enjoyable and fun. :)

Life is good. Time to go spend the rest of this wonderful day with my husby!

Day 216

Today is March 5th. Stereotypically the worst of the 365 days of my year.... every year, without fail.

Today is the day Aunt Pat died 13 years ago, and I have never been the same.

I don't need to go into my crazy emotional-ness that has made me cry numerous times today, in public and in private. All I can say is: it is amazing how one person can make such an impact on my everyday life. I will never be the same having lost her.

Moving on, there have been some good things to highlight my day.

1) My crazy out-of-whack body is getting somewhat back on track and is less of a thorn in my side.

2) I got to see lots of my family today at my cousin Joe's pre-wedding shindig.

3) I made myself more educated and more confident in my career and life goals. Josh and I just watched the documentary Pregnant in America. (Not as smooth as "The Business of Being Born", because it is more a first person type of filming, but still very factual. Both are on Netflix instant watch.) I'm so excited to attend my doula training and begin advocating and supporting women to make empowering decisions about their bodies and their babies. And I feel really sorry for women who do not educate themselves, and just believe what everyone else tells them. Just because you are not a nurse or a doctor doesn't mean you can't be educated about your options and rights. (Stepping off soapbox.) While documentaries like this sadden me, they also empower me and make me so excited for what good things I can do.

Tomorrow is Sunday. A day of relaxation and recovery. It's going to be great.

Happy Sunday everyone.

"Sometimes I have to stand on my head to see things as they are, when the world seems so upside-down that this is the only position in which anything makes sense." ~Unknown

Day 214 & 215

So on Wednesday night my mom hosted a Pampered Chef Party. We had a ton of people there. It was a complete success! There were over $600 in sales, which meant lots of goodies for me and mom! :)

It was really good having everyone together too. Keri made an awesome fruit truffle. It had ice cream and pound cake and lots of fruit! Mmmm!

Anna got to go to her first Pampered Chef party! Her and Cadence matched with their pink and orange stripes! :)

Cadence also made best friends with Cora. They had so much fun running through the house, coloring and watching Disney movies. :) Cutest girls ever!

Yesterday was a rough day in general. I felt like crap and had a very poor mood. And then work was a monster on top of it. The hospital was beyond overloaded with patients. I wouldn't be surprised if they started doubling up rooms by the end of the night. Hopefully tonight goes smoother. *fingers crossed*

Today is already starting out 1000 times better than days past. Things are looking up!

Ashley and I got a chance to talk for quite a while this morning and we decided we are making goals for Lent. Whether they be things to give up or things for self-better-ment. We are each going to have three goals. And then come the end of Lent and Easter we will have a get together to celebrate our success!

One thing we are both giving up is alcohol. (My other two ideas are in the making.) Then when we get together we are going to have wine and games night! :) It will be so worth it!

Well, I really need to get going to work. Time to conquer this shit and bring my A-game!

Happy Friday everyone!!! :)

Day 212 & 213

These two days have been nothing but rearranging.... the entire house!

Josh no longer wanted his desk in the spare bedroom, which meant it was moving to the living room.

These are the before pictures in various stages of disarray. We had to unload all of the book shelves and then reload. Not to mention our furniture is dang heavy!

The next move will be moving out!



And here are the after pictures. He has is office and we have some living space. And introducing "The Study". Couple chairs, piano, books, (dog kennels).... what more could you ask for in a study?

I'm so glad its done. I also cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom and reorganized the bathroom closet. I rearranged the bedroom as well, now we just have to clean it up a bit. Hrm... maybe next week. I'm spent. Night ya'll!